


The Irresistible Rebel

by writeonclara



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, M/M, Minor Leia Organa/Han Solo, pulp romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-02
Updated: 2016-03-02
Packaged: 2018-05-24 06:52:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6145228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeonclara/pseuds/writeonclara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn and Poe discover a pulp romance novel. About them. It’s trash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Irresistible Rebel

**Author's Note:**

> Written for this prompt right over [here](https://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/3467.html?thread=6085259#cmt6085259).

_Penn flew through the halls of the Star Destroyer; he knew he must hurry, or be pulled back into the dark embrace of the devious Ryno Kin. If he could get to a TIE Fighter, he would be able to escape from this hell._

_“Halt!” a deep voice commanded, and Penn stopped. His heart was pounding! “Where do you think you’re going, rogue?”_

_“Please, you must let me go!” Penn begged. “I’ll do anything!”_

_“Anything?” the voice asked, intrigued, and a Stormtrooper stepped out from the shadows._

_“Anything!”_

_“I will help you escape,” the Stormtrooper said, and then reached down to unclasp the gear at his waist. “But first, you must do something for me.”_

_Penn’s licked his lips, eyes feasting on the Stormtrooper’s beautiful, engorged rod. “Anything.”_

 

“What is this garbage? And why does he keep saying ‘anything’?” Finn muttered, as the Resistance base slowly woke up around him. He was sitting by himself in the cafeteria, holobook in one hand and a fork in the other, hovering over a forgotten plate of cooling food.

“Whatcha got there?” Poe asked, dropping into the chair across from him.

Finn looked up from his holobook, grinning in spite of the trash novel in his hand. Poe didn’t do well with mornings; he had creases on one cheek from his pillow and his hair was sticking up in wild curls, but he still smiled back at Finn, eyes crinkling at the corners. Then he yawned into the back of his hand, resting his cheek on his other hand.

“Good book?” Poe asked, sleepily.

“Some trash by Varric Tethras,” Finn said, disgusted.

“Varric Tethras is writing again?” Poe said, and he sounded more awake now, and excited, what the hell.

“Don't tell me you like this garbage,” Finn said, suspicious of his friend for the first time ever. Poe normally had such good taste.

“Bite your tongue, Tethras is a genius,” Poe said, offended.

Finn looked at Poe, then back to his book, swiping to a random page and reading, with the loud enthusiasm appropriate for a novel like this, “ _’Yes!’ he cried. ‘Ride my pole, you ferocious stallion! Do you feel how hard it is for you?_ ’”

Poe's eyes widened and he made a swipe for the holobook, horrified, but Finn yanked it away. Heads were swiveling towards them in interest as Finn continued, still loudly, “‘ _Fai! Fill me with your ten inch glorious rod of doonium --’_ ”

“Okay, I get it!” Poe snapped, snatching the book from Finn with a glare. His cheeks were a little red. “You are seriously the worst.”

Finn just stared at Poe, accusingly.

“This is different from when I was growing up,” Poe muttered, as he swiped through the pages. “Where’s Leah and Haaris?”

“Poe, I don’t know what books you read,” Finn said, just as Poe pulled up the cover to _The Irresistible Rebel_ , book one of _The Rebel and the Resistant Wildcat_ , “but this book is about _us_.”  


* * *

  
“ _His body was like that of a Ediorung holosculpture, his muscles carved out of Durosian marble. Penn yearned to touch him -- but he could not!”_

“Wow,” Bastian breathed.

“That is so beautiful,” said Snap.

Jess turned off the holonovel and set it on the table. “Okay, so we're agreed to meet here every Tuesday at 1900 hours?”

“Yep.”

“Works for me.”

“No!”

The three pilots jumped and whirled around, guiltily. Finn gaped at them from the doorway, torn between disbelief and horror.

“Finn! Hi!” Jess said, going a little red. “This -- isn't what it looks like.”

“So you _aren't_ planning weekly meetups to discuss the Tethras books?” Finn said, folding his arms.

“No! No, of course not,” Snap said, then balked at Finn's glare. “Yes, we totally are.”

“Coward,” Bastian hissed.

“I can’t believe you guys!” Finn said, outraged. “You realize those books are about me and Poe, right?”

There was complete silence.

“No,” Finn said, scandalized.

They looked anywhere but at Finn, embarrassed. Finn flung his hands to the air and stormed out of the room.

If Poe’s team of perfectly sensible (ha) Resistance pilots had already started a fanclub, then things were well and truly out of hand. Finn couldn’t even walk into the cafeteria without people stopping to stare at him with disturbingly dreamy smiles, as if he actually had a -- a ten inch _doonium rod_.

Finn punched in the code to Poe’s room. He'd given it to Finn the day he woke up, saying, “You're always welcome,” a little awkwardly, and without meeting Finn's eyes. He didn't know why Poe’d been so nervous; Finn had taken full advantage of the invitation and was in Poe's room as often as he was in his own.

Probably he should start knocking, though. Poe was apparently in the middle of changing, shirt halfway on and -- Finn had no idea why the novels described him as ‘lithe’ and ‘slender.’ He had -- abs. And a chest. And just --

“Finn, buddy!” Poe said, pulling his shirt all the way down and breaking whatever spell he’d cast on Finn. “What’s up? You okay?”

Finn cleared his throat and and set his jaw, determined. “We have _got_ to do something about those novels.”

“Which?” Poe said.

“What do you mean, which? The _Tethras_ novels,” Finn said.

“Oh, right. Those.”

Poe clearly wasn’t grasping the full extent of the situation. “You realize your pilots have started a fanclub about them?”

“Wait, seriously?” Poe asked, finally showing an appropriate degree of emotion. Finn would have appreciated more horror and less surprise, but at least Poe wasn’t looking as -- shifty.

Finn narrowed his eyes suspiciously, but Poe just smiled at him and failed to confess to any dark secrets. Finn dropped to the foot of Poe’s bed with a heavy sigh. “What I don’t understand is how they’re this popular. How would we get anything done if we -- _they_ \-- had that much sex? That escape plan was totally unrealistic.”

“You are absolutely right,” Poe agreed, earnestly.

“And the sex itself is just _awful_. Whoever the author is, they’ve clearly never seen a humanoid body.”

“It’s atrocious,” Poe agreed, earnestly.

“I mean, I have no idea why they keep describing you as slender when you have those _shoulders_.”

“I know, seriously,” Poe agreed, earnestly. Then he frowned. “Wait, what?”

“What?” Finn said, eyes wide.

The vidscreen over Poe’s desk beeped with an incoming comm, and both men turned to look at it. Rey’s name flashed at the bottom in bold, accusing letters. Huh. Finn knew Poe and Rey had chatted a couple of times, but he had no idea they were close enough for long distance comms. Not that he had a problem with it; he was glad his two best friends were getting along.

“Aren’t you going to get that?” Finn asked when Poe didn’t immediately answer.

Poe shook his head.

“She’s calling long distance,” Finn said, disapprovingly.

Poe grimaced a little, then reached over and manually accepted the call. “Hi, Rey, hey!” Poe said, overly bright. “Finn and I were just chatting about how much we _hate_ the new Tethras novels.”

“What?” Rey said, looking confused. And then her eyes widened in understanding. “Oh! Yes, of course. Absolute rubbish.”

“Trash,” Poe agreed.

Finn folded his arms over his chest and stared between them, disappointed.

“We love the books,” Rey admitted, breaking first. “We talk about them every night.”

“Rey!” Poe hissed.

“What? He was _looking_ at me.”

Poe stared up at the ceiling, avoiding Finn’s absolutely betrayed look. Finn tried Rey, who was picking at a small scab on the back of her hand. “Guys, _no_ ,” Finn said.

“Okay, I know they're stupid,” Rey said, defensively. “But I like reading drivel on my downtime. It’s nice to not have to think after my brain has been turned to mush.”

Finn looked at Poe expectantly.

“I like Tethras,” Poe admitted, sheepishly.

 

* * *

_  
Penn looked down at the controls. He was so close to freedom he could taste it!_

_“Penn,” Fai’s deep voice commanded. “I have a control stick that needs attention.”_

 

Finn groaned in secondhand embarrassment, covering his face with his hand. He didn’t know who he was more embarrassed for: himself, or the depiction of himself. He’d picked up the holobook again, thinking maybe there had to be something he was missing if everyone else liked them so much, but no. Just -- no.

 

_Penn unbuckled the straps and crawled over the seats to sit on Fai’s strong thighs. There was something better than freedom he had to taste._

 

Finn had to close his eyes for a moment, before he read on, grimly determined.

 

_Penn flicked the pointy tip of his tongue over the slit of Fai’s cockhead, tasting the sweet ambrosia that beaded at the tip, and then slid his lips all the way down the magnificent velvet staff. Tears of bliss sparkled at the corners of his eyes._

_“Yes, suck my pole, take me all the way in,” Fai demanded, sinking his fingers into Penn’s silky black curls. His hips were like a wild thing, thrusting into Penn’s insatiable mouth, filling him with something more satisfying than a three course meal._

_Penn reached back to finger the fluttery petals of his own hungry hole --_

 

“I can't,” Finn said, disgusted, and flung the holobook down. It landed by a pair of shiny black boots, which happened to be worn by a surprised looking General Organa.

“General Organa,” Finn said, aghast. “I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there.”

“I don't know how many times I need to ask you to call me Leila,” General Organa -- Leia -- crouched down, picking up the holonovel. “I see Tethras is at it again.”

“You know about Tethras?” Finn said, disbelieving.

“Unfortunately. I’m sure you’ve heard of Leah and Haaris?” Leia said, eyebrows raised.

It clicked. Finn had been so caught up in the travesty of _The Rebel and the Resistant Wildcat_ that he hadn't even considered its predecessor. “You and Han.”

Leia scrolled to the beginning of the holonovel, lips twitching in a mix of amusement and bittersweet reminiscence. One of the men on the cover, Fai, Finn presumed, was in something that vaguely passed as Stormtrooper gear, sans helmet, except it was molded to his frankly ridiculous muscles, including what appeared to be an eight pack. He was clutching a man who looked entirely unlike Poe, who was wearing the bootie shorts version of the standard orange flight suit.

“I hated these books. Han thought they were hilarious and wanted to reenact --” Leia was saying, but then she remembered herself, glancing up and into at Finn's wide eyes. She cleared her throat and held out the holobook. “Anyway, don't let it get to you too much.”

“They're _awful_ ,” Finn said, passionately.

“I know,” Leia said, patting his shoulder comfortingly.

“Doesn't Tethras realized how _cramped_ TIE Fighters are? It's just not logical. There's no way someone can go scrambling around in the cockpit like that, much less suck any --” It was Finn's turn to remember himself when he realized Leia was watching him, lips twitching like she couldn't help herself

“Uh,” he said, clutching the holobook to his chest. “I'm just going to --” He jerked a thumb over his shoulder, feebly.

“Of course,” Leia said, and he could _hear_ the laughter in her voice.

Finn absolutely did not run away. He walked in a very sedate manner. In the opposite direction. _Fast_.

 

* * *

 

“I'm telling you, you're looking too deeply into this,” Poe was saying as they walked through the halls of the Resistance base. “It's not nearly as bad as you're making it out to be. Penn and Fai are nothing like us. Tethras just took the situation and ran with it.”

“Really,” Finn said, in flat disbelief. “‘Penn’ and ‘Fai’ aren’t based on us?”

“Okay, so the names are similar, but anyone who knows us will realize they're _completely diff --_ ”

“Hey, Wildcat!” Jess said, clapping Poe on the shoulder as she passed by.

Poe gaped at her, then turned back to Finn. Finn smirked at him, smug.

“This has got to stop,” Poe said.

“Told you,” Finn said.

“I know exactly what we need to do,” Poe said, staring after Jessika, a thoughtful expression on his face that, for some reason, filled Finn with a vague sort of unease.

“Start a petition?” Finn said, hopefully.

 

* * *

  
“That was a terrible idea,” Finn shouted, from where he'd landed, half-under Poe’s X-Wing. “I told you sex in fighters wasn't possible!”

Poe popped up from the cockpit. His hair was a mess and he was grinning crazily. “It was an _awesome_ idea.”

Finn found himself grinning back, in spite himself. Okay, so maybe there _was_ something to those damn Tethras books, after all.

 

* * *

_  
“I’m coming!” Penn shouted, cock pulsing long streaks of --”_

 

“No, that’s no good.”

 

_“I’m coming!” Penn screamed, his sublime erection jumping erratically as he spilled his loveseed across Fai’s chest._

 

Leia covered her grin with one hand and leaned back in her chair.

Poor Finn. She did sympathize; when she’d found the first book of _The Smuggler and the Captive Princess_ , she'd also been horrified -- and then subsequently outraged when she learned just who was behind the books, stumbling in on Han grinning to himself over the manuscript in the Millennium Falcon. But Han had just laughed and, using all the charm he possessed, managed to convince her to help with a scene.

It got sort of out of control after that.

They'd spent hours in the Millennium Falcon, trying to outdo each other in ridiculous euphemisms and laughing so hard they couldn't breathe. And then the books had been wildly successful and they learned they could actually make money off of it and, well. _The Smuggler and the Captive Princess_ series was born.

She would never write about Leah and Haaris again, but when Poe had described his harrowing escape from the Star Destroyer, eyes sparkling and hands waving expressively, inspiration had struck for the first time in decades. So she had written _The Irresistible Rebel_ and sent it to her publisher. She hadn't thought about it too much afterwards, figuring Tethras wouldn't be that popular with this generation.

It had been more than a little surprising to learn they were _more_ popular.

She had _tried_ to make Penn and Fai unrecognizable from Poe and Finn; in retrospect, she probably should have chosen different names. Ah, well. All the money she made off it was at least going to the Resistance, and anyway book two was already halfway written.

Hm. _Paradise in Jakku_ had a nice ring to it.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] the irresistible rebel](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8752813) by [Annapods](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annapods/pseuds/Annapods)
  * [The Irresistible Rebel [podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9128095) by [sadcypress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadcypress/pseuds/sadcypress)




End file.
